I have listened to my parents yelling for the two hours.  Round and round they go… Tone getting higher as I sit back here writing. Now yelling abuses at each other. “There’s no pleasing you.” “You go out there and get it done.” Like many arguments this one is simple and has come up countless times in the past.

Personal property and what to do with it.

Here’s what I mean.  My mom habitually cleans things and gets rid of what she calls “old garbage” to put it nicely. The “old garbage”  will be heading to the dumpster 9 times out of 10.  Nobody is changing her habit.  He is on the opposite spectrum.  Save everything just in case and usually having multiple projects to get done. He enjoys buying new farm equipment, but over time and little use the equipment begins to pile up.  His equipment can be established as his “status symbol”  to his friends and the outside world. Also, I see his over buying ways as being a compromise for having a withdrawn partner.

A perfect example of this is when some people get into a dispute with coworkers, partners, and friends then continually run to their addiction due to uncertainty in culmination with stress.  Addictions anywhere from alcohol to anime.  Don’t get me wrong these things are okay for some in moderation.   It is a problem when things are over done as a stress coping strategy to distract from life issues. There is a problem.

Addiction has won!!!

She compromises, not in reaction but by habit, by taking further “control” of her world, finances, and fully investing herself into everything. This in turn leaves her extremely tired and unwilling to talk.  Overwhelming oneself as an excuse to not understand ones uncertainty and genuine emotions is wrong. It is just as bad to do a ton of things and not have time for yourself or even your partner.

Addiction has won!!!

Bigger Picture

People tend to yell at each other in circles. This should not be considered argument because nobody is listening to the few points the other spouts in anger. Thus, leading to no region for construction of new ideas or compromise. Which means… The person that gets the last yell in and doesn’t walk away usually “wins”.  Wins?  Really?  No. There is no winner in non progressive yelling matches only losers.  In yelling matches there is usually no feelings expressed to the other person and simply insults. A wise Grant once said “It’s easier to deflect blame than to take it because by taking the blame could open a person up for further accusation.”  Sounds like a crime scene doesn’t it. Also, the word “YOU”  is abused like no other.  The word you is personal and gets people defensive really fast in an argument. “You moved my stuff.”  “You are garbage.”  “Your reading skills are abysmal reader.” See I perked thy attention.  Lastly, the brain works in patterns so this defensive yelling nature will come up later.

Habit = Yelling

What are people truly accomplishing in a yelling match? Nothing.

The same lousy feelings of hurt, defensiveness, loss, and not being valued keep coming back. These feelings get dismissed and pushed to the side. Over time the body gets so used to this pattern that there is no guilt and even worse no growth in the relationship.  We are then more fearful to communicate than before with everyone not just those in that situation.  We then give up trying and cease to understand the value of the now.  Respect is now limited or lost.

Tips for not taking this reading/situation for GRANTed

1. When in an argument try not to use the word “YOU”
2. To cool down someones FIRE use ICE.
3. Listen more than you speak
4. Remember what it was like in the beginning
5. Work on respecting differences in opinion by communicating with interested emotions
6. Don’t always have to agree or find compromise. But, should try an understand other sides
7. Invite the person to conversation about the issue days later

 

How do you cope with yelling?

If you could tell your coworker, partner, or friend one thing tomorrow… What would it be?

 

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Thanks for reading everyone!

 

Don’t take life for GRANTed!